Once upon a time, you could say I was living my Cinderella story. Married to the man of my dreams with whom I had built a beautiful family and lived a life most little girls dream of. But in 2014, after losing my husband to illness, my life forever changed. With my children out of the house and away in college, I found myself alone, mourning my husband and struggling to live with all the memories and dreams we shared, but life had to go on. The way I dealt with my loss was by keeping busy. I worked long hours and stayed actively involved in several community service organizations.

However, one fateful day my life took me in a new direction. I’ll never forget that beautiful day in 2017. It was one of those days where everything seemed perfect. I had this refreshing and happy feeling in my soul. It was a great day at work, I hit every green traffic light on the way home, and I came home to my tax refund check. Life couldn’t be better! Except, I had no one to share my joy with. And again it hit me that my husband and best friend was gone. I had worked so hard to subdue those feelings of loss but they still lingered. Later that day my girlfriend suggested I consider giving love another chance. After pondering the advice, I decided to open my mind to the possibility of love again as my late husband and I had given each other permission to find happiness with someone else if the need arose.

So I began to socialize with my single friends who were on the dating scene and what I discovered from their stories was very discouraging. Today, many beautiful and accomplished women are going through immense challenges in their quest for love. Many cope with being disrespected, cheated on, and being taking advantage of. Some women accept these behaviors from men in hopes of one day being Mrs. Right. This realization was discouraging and I started to re-evaluate how to navigate this challenge of meeting Mr. Right again in today’s world.

Then one day came my epiphany. God revealed to me that the reason many women are unsuccessful in finding meaningful relationships and life partners is because they are living in a fairytale land. Many are still dreaming of finding their prince charming like Cinderella but don’t understand that in order to find their Mr. Right, they need to align their desires with God’s perfect plan for their life. Once we partner with God, he will bless us with a life partner the same way he blessed women in the bible like Ruth, Queen Esther, and others. This experience inspired me to write a book The Secrets of the Glass Slippers and is a principle I live by today when it comes to opening my heart to love again. Because I know on my own, I am prone to mistakes. However, when God creates marriages, it’s not about fairytale romance, good looks, money, sex, ”swag” or status. Rather he is building kingdoms, fulfilling purposes and creating greatness. Some modern day examples are Michelle & Barack Obama, Princess Kate & Prince William, and Princess Meghan and Prince Harry. While every marriage may not end with presidents or future kings, provided they are fulfilling God’s purpose, they are just as powerful.

My advice to single queens young and old, divorced or widows, exploring serious relationships that will lead to marriage is…
1) Build a close relationship with God and understand his purpose for your life and his position on marriage. Remember that he forms kingdom marriages that are tied to a greater purpose than humans understand.
2) Know your worth and value. This will boost your self-esteem and put you in a position to not settle but select the man of your dreams.
3) Heal emotionally. To be in a healthy and happy relationship, you want to rid yourself of any emotional baggage you are carrying and we all have them. It could be from childhood or other life events. So talk to a therapist, forgive yourself and others and strive to live a virtuous life. Nurture your mind, body and spirit. Being attractive to a man isn’t just about sexual attraction. You want an intellectual and spiritual connection with your life partner that deepens into an enjoyable and satisfying relationship as you mature.

Signed,
A Queen

Ever since I was a little girl I was always self-determined. Whether it was organizing plays with the kids in my neighborhood or taking leadership roles in my high school Interact or Drama Club, I always found ways to use my innate skills or passion for the greater good. So when I found myself a young mother of 3 and in a career that had started to plateau, I knew I had to take action to change my narrative.

I had been in the financial services field for about 7 years in various roles from account management to product development but my love for writing and connecting with people led me to desire a career in marketing.  So I began to search for new positions in marketing both within the company I worked for and outside of the organization but when nothing palatable turned up, I took another approach.

I began to find ways to showcase my marketing abilities in the role I was in.  This meant volunteering to help on special projects that involved writing, brainstorming creative solutions and interacting with the marketing team I so wanted to be a part of. Soon, my marketing skills became visible to the broader organization and coupled with earning a prestigious company award for a previous project, I was fast becoming known outside of my department.

Within a year an opportunity became available for an entry level marketing manager in the organization and I was top of mind for the hiring manager. I took on the new role with ease as it was something I was naturally good at and very passionate about.  I quickly expanded my knowledge and skills significantly within the first year. However, as I did this I knew I would eventually outgrow the role and needed to hedge my qualifications to position myself for future growth.

Therefore, upon the advice of a very good friend who I also consider my mentor, I embarked on a Master’s degree in Business Administration with a focus in Marketing.  Within 2 years I had completed the program and a year later, I was blessed to move into a senior level marketing role in another company which nearly doubled my annual income. However, more valuable than the compensation, was the confidence I gained knowing I had the education and experience to effectively compete for jobs in a field which just 4 years prior I had no “official” experience in….only the vision and passion.

My advice to queens seeking to enter a field or career that you are passionate about and believe you can be great at is, first do your research on how to get your foot in the door in that field even if it means taking a lower level position. Then strategically arm yourself with the necessary competency to excel in that field including advancing your education, taking certificates/classes or seeking advice from people you trust who are in similar roles. Once you align your passion with a strategic and actionable plan, you are bound to be victorious in the end.

Signed by,

A Queen

The old saying “Charity begins at home” is the perfect tribute to my success in corporate America. At the tender age of eight, I fondly recall eagerly looking forward to spending the holidays with my beloved grandparents in the rural town of Likomba, Cameroon. One may wonder why a young city girl, from a financially well off family in Cameroon would want to visit the village but therein lies my “secret sauce”.

My grandparents were a very honest and hardworking couple and I admired them dearly. My grandmother was very entrepreneurial and distributed retail merchandise including food products in the local markets. She employed several sales men and women to distribute her products but when I was visiting I’d insist on helping. I excitedly loaded up baskets of tomatoes and journeyed into the local markets, conversing with every potential customer. I would start with friendly personal dialogue and quickly segue into why my grandmother’s tomatoes were a “must have”. By the day’s end, I would outsell all my grandmother’s workers. My success as a juvenile “sales girl” was a direct result of the communication and negotiation skills I built even as customers would try to bargain the prices of my grandma’s tomatoes. By being honest with them about the value of the product and price, I always convinced them to pay full and fair value as I had gained their trust.

Fast forward 15 years later. I find myself in the United States, fresh out of college and graduate school entering the workforce with an opportunity with the state. My humble upbringing and hard work gave me a strong sense of self-worth and values that enabled me to never look down on any role I took. From administrative to managerial, I ensured that with every position and company I worked for, I was always in control of defining who I was and what I wanted to be known for. In other words, I was creating my brand.

While I’ve had many challenges, one that stands out in my career journey has been navigating unconstructive feedback designed to derail my success. “I see feedback as a gift…some you take others you discard”. Since I’ve always had a strong sense of self-worth and confidence, I never let negative feedback either from a manager’s annual review, office gossip about why I dressed so “fancy” everyday (I’ve always dressed for the job I want), or why I prefer to eat lunch alone distract me from creating my brand.
Strategies I have taken to overcome challenges in my career include 1) Mastering my craft. I’ve always made sure I “know my stuff” i.e. expertise, work skills and technical knowhow. 2) I make sure to use the right “choice” words in my interactions with colleagues that leave a lasting impact. This means using adjectives to describe attributes that I have and intend to leverage to drive success in a project. For example, words like, “I am an executor”, “I am fair”, “and I’ll be strategic” resonate and creates an impression on people especially when you follow through. However, it is critical to use a soft tone in these conversations so as not to come across as arrogant.

My advice for young queens striving for corporate success is 1) be authentic at all times. Don’t try to be someone else. 2) Have an open, agile and inclusive mindset to enable you to share your knowledge; learn new things/take on different (sometimes risky) roles and accept help from others. You don’t have to do it all and you will get much further when you involve others. 3) Make sure you have a mentor, sponsor and a circle of support. Lastly, be kind to everyone you meet- not just those up the ladder. You never know where you may meet them in the future.

Signed by,

A Queen.

The year was 2002 when my life began taking me on a physical and emotional roller-coaster journey I never fathomed. I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and life as I knew it, would change forever. Sarcoidosis is a disease characterized by the growth of tiny collections of inflammatory cells (granulomas) that attacks various parts of the body — most commonly the lungs and lymph nodes. However, it can also affect the eyes, skin, heart and other organs.
You see I was always a healthy, slim, high-spirited, very social and energetic young woman. I loved life and my daily activities and relationships which included spending time with family, friends and live musical performances reflected just that. However, once I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis, everything changed.
I began having constant food and sugar cravings that multiplied my appetite and within a week, I had gained 20 lbs. and within a year I had gained 60 lbs. Eventually I would gain 100 lbs! This is because the treatment for sarcoidosis includes heavy steroids, which causes weight gain. In addition to battling the illness effects of sarcoidosis, I found myself battling the side effects of the steroidal treatment which in addition to weight gain caused serious joint pain as the medication began to destroy my bones and cause blood bursts in my eye. Not long after, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis in addition to cardiac arrhythmia due to the excessive weight gain. I found myself undergoing various surgeries from cataract surgery of the eye to ankle surgery for tendinitis among others. My formerly perfect physical health had turned into a nightmare.
All the strain on my physical health began to weigh on my emotional well-being as I began to lose confidence in my appearance and feared losing friends, family and even my marriage as I felt people wouldn’t want to deal with the burdens and limitations my illness placed on me. This was all psychologically weighing me down but I would not give up. I tried every diet, holistic medicine and health tactic I could find but nothing worked. I’d lose a few pounds and shortly after gain twice as much.
Then one day, at a doctor’s appointment, my doctor told me I had to drastically and quickly lose weight otherwise I was at high risk of a stroke. He immediately recommended gastric sleeve surgery and I lost 57 lbs. within a year but then I plateaued. I still had much more weight to lose but nothing I did from exercise to diets would work. I just couldn’t lose the weight.
Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel. One day a friend of mine who worked for a company called Total Life Changes introduced me to a detox tea called IASO and a multi-liquid vitamin called Nutraburst and within just 45 days, I had lost 25 lbs. In addition, I had my energy back and all my cravings disappeared I also received unexpected benefits which included increased focus, alertness, memory and continued weight loss. The weight has continued to drop and I am now close to my weight pre-diagnosis with sarcoidosis in 2002.
Today, I feel great and am enjoying life again with my family, friends and career. Life despite Sarcoidosis, is beautiful again and I am feeling my best nearly 20 years later.
My advice for queens out there struggling with health or weight loss is to “Embrace the pursuit of your higher self. Never settle for where you are, as you are. There’s more in you. Work to birth it!”

As a young teenage mother, I had barely started living life when I found myself not only having to juggle the multitude of challenges that come with being a teenager but now I had the added responsibility of caring for another being. It was truly a difficult time, however, with the loving support of my parents, I raised my blessing #1, finished school and appeared to be faring quite well. But, all was not perfect.

By the age of 17, I met my “prince charming” who swept me off my young teenage feet, I was married and in what seemed like a flash, I had 3 more beautiful blessings. My kids were and still are my life and the best thing that ever happened to me. The days quickly turned to years and before I knew it, 12 years had suddenly flown by. I had spent the most youthful years of my life aligning my happiness to my husband’s. I guess my thinking was that being his wife would make me happy and so I turned a blind eye to the pain and suffering that came with it. The fact is that the whole time I was married, I endured a lot of emotional and physical abuse but never felt there was a way out. Like many women out there I felt “trapped”. I felt the need to portray the picture perfect family…married with 4 beautiful kids but on the inside, I was falling apart.

Then came the light, about 8 years into the marriage, I decided to focus more on myself. By that I meant my career, I started working, went back to college and pursued a nursing degree and found I was very good at what I did. I miraculously was able to juggle being a working wife, mother and honor roll student. This boosted my confidence. I stopped focusing on my physical appearance and losing weight (which occupied a chunk of my psyche) but rather focused on more intrinsic values like my self-esteem and personal goals.

Following bouts of marriage counseling with my husband who kept wanting to work things out, we seemed to be getting nowhere. Things would be fine for a month or two, then we were back to where we started again.

Finally, I decided after nearly 12 years of marriage, that we had reached the end of the road. I needed to take action and control of my life and so I asked him for a divorce.
Today, a year later, I truly feel like I have been given a second chance at life. I have ventured into a great career, my kids are thriving, and I just feel a deep sense of joy that is inexplicable… that feeling of being “free!”

I must admit there are good and bad days, and I unfortunately lost some family and friends along the way who didn’t understand why I was making this decision. However, now at 30 years old, I know I made the right decision. I am glad that I have set an example for my daughter on how she should be treated by a man and for my sons on how to treat the women in their lives.

My advice to women regardless of their age is – “You don’t need a partner (husband/significant other/boyfriend) to be the best you can be.” Rather focus first on being the best version of yourself and then find a partner who will complement you.
Finally, “don’t ever feel trapped”. It is never too late to get your life back and start painting it over on a blank canvas, as beautiful as you would envision it. While nothing in life is perfect, you can certainly get close enough if you remain true to yourself and listen to that inner voice. Know that you are not alone in this struggle.

Signed,

A Queen

As far back as in first grade, I’ve always been independent and serious about my studies and this continued throughout elementary, middle and high school. I was constantly aware that my academics would be the road to lead me to achieve my career dreams.
Living in a small town that was very racially diverse, I intentionally surrounded myself with friends that were like-minded with similar life goals. My close circle of friends were in the top 20 of our class and typically in the same honors/Advanced Placement classes as I , we played sports together, joined similar clubs, etc.

By my junior year in high school, I had a very strong sense of myself and high standards of the type of college I wanted to attend. I knew that since I had applied myself well in school and excelled both in and outside of the classroom (I was captain of the field hockey team, played softball, held various positions in drama club, student council, and math league, interact, had several AP classes and more), my application package would be strong enough to get into a top school in the northeast.

While I initially had my mind set on Harvard, once I visited Boston University (BU) I fell in love with the school and it became my first choice. Based on my research, I felt BU would provide me with the challenging environment I needed to stretch my learning and prepare me for my long-term career goals. And so I applied and to my greatest joy not only was I accepted into this top university with less than a 25% acceptance rate, but I also received the president’s award and several other scholarships.

However, upon arrival at BU, my first year was overwhelming. Moving from a small town with a diverse ethnic population to a large university in the northeast where I was a clear minority was a culture shock. Then there was the fast-paced, highly rigorous academic curriculum in pre-medicine, coupled with my novice approach to studying. I quickly felt out of place and for once in my life intimidated. However, the support of my parents, lots of prayer and a constant reminder that if I had what it took to get to this school, I had what it took to make it here, kept me going. Over the next year and half, after many tears of frustration, I came to terms with the fact that I would need to work much harder than my peers to be successful and so that was what I did.

One of the major turning points was when I decided in my junior year to carve my own degree path and resist the pressure from my family to select a specific minor in order to be pre-medicine. Once I did that, and started taking classes I was truly passionate about, I began to excel more seamlessly. Suddenly my schedule was more manageable, I built a network of friends outside the classroom through social clubs; community service organizations; dance groups; and more. This helped me develop emotionally as I began to learn more about the young woman I was becoming and my value system. Through my new network, I developed bonds with other students with whom I shared similar experiences and challenges. We were able to support each other and share tips to help us successfully navigate our college years.

By my senior year, I could look back and see that in addition to the laudable and fine education I received from BU, I had also given back to the school through my hundreds of hours of community service, raising cultural awareness through African dance and the many competitions we won; research projects and internships at the Boston Medical Center and more. In the end it was a mutually beneficial relationship that I am honored and blessed to have been part of.

My advice to young queens embarking on their college journey is 1) Choose a field of study that you love, are passionate about and that aligns with your spirit so you are not overwhelmed and enjoy the journey and 2)know that college is your chance to start afresh. No one you meet (neither students nor faculty) knows your past so don’t feel intimidated about what you don’t know. Rather recognize, what you need to do to be successful and do the work until you win because in the end you will.

Signed by,

A young queen and BU Class of 2020

Like most living today, I never would have ever imagined I would be witness to a global pandemic that is wreaking tremendous havoc in the world. However, the harsh realities of the coronavirus confronts me daily. While, I am not one of our bravest first responders or essential workers, I have struggled with life in New Jersey these early months of 2020 – a year that kicked off with so much excitement for me from anticipated college graduations, to celebrating births of nephews and nieces, travelling to Europe and more. Add to that unfortunately the city I work in and love the most− New York City, is being hit the hardest with the most confirmed coronavirus cases in the United States, followed by the state I live in.

However, as a mother of five, I had to be strong so I carried on and did my best to make everything seem okay from my remote working to their “distance learning”. But I was not okay. It wasn’t until I had an encounter (via Zoom of course) with some girlfriends that I had an epiphany that re-channeled my perspective.
First, I increased my spiritual lens focusing more on my faith and becoming closer to God. While I believe in science, my faith in God has helped me become more at peace with the pandemic and renewed my hope that everything will be well again and soon. I believe by Easter.*

Second, I intentionally “Carpe Diem” aka “Seize the Day”. With so many losing their lives to this horrible disease, I’ve realized that it is important to live to the full “today” for we don’t know what tomorrow may bring. So I spend so much more “quality” time with my kids and husband, playing games, taking walks, zooming to dance workouts with my work colleagues, face timing with my siblings, watching old flicks with the family, baking with my daughter and the list goes on….

Lastly, I have been seeking out and focusing on the positive. With so much sad news on TV and social media, I’m choosing to find the beautiful in the world today because it does exist. So I try to notice everything from beautiful blooming flowers in the neighborhood to helping those doing great work in the community to combat COVID-19, to celebrating virtually with others having landmark events and more.

My advice for women dealing with anxiety over this pandemic, is to take time out for yourself to take stock of the situation, if possible connect via zoom or face time with people you trust and respect and share how you feel. You may walk away with some gems that can give you a new outlook to get through this crazy period in life victoriously.

Virtual hugs!
Signed by,
A Queen

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been afraid. Afraid of sleeping in the dark. Afraid of heights. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of failing. And the list goes on. While the other parts of my life seemed to be pretty much under control, somewhere deep inside, that fear hindered me from living life to my potential.

I stayed in relationships for fear of being alone. I only took certain jobs because I feared I may not perform well in them. I shied away from adventures and experiencing memorable moments for fear of travelling. And then after having children, I began fearing how they would cope if I were to suddenly be no more.

I never quite found a way or need to deal with this fear until one fateful day.  I had taken  a job and which I never really expected to travel. However, I was so attached to the job that I overlooked and pushed off the fact that a day could come where I had to travel.  And that day finally arrived.

During the first trip, I had anxiety throughout the flight. By the second trip, I was still very anxious. However, before the third trip, I mentally prepared myself, by reminding myself that I had to keep this job because it took care of my children whom I loved more  than anything on earth. And so I continued to psych myself up acknowledging several things. Firstly,  I couldn’t do anything to avoid the trip or else I would lose my job and have no money to take care of my family. Secondly, I had no control over the plane, pilot or passengers and therefore there was no use worrying about it. And finally, I reminded myself that death is inevitable and the one thing that is certain but also that no one has control over. What I could do was control the things I could and live my life to the fullest by letting go of the things I couldn’t control.

And so weeks leading to the third trip, I spent extra time with my children. Was mindful of how I treated everyone I came in contact with. Made sure my life insurance was in good order. And then I boarded the plane.

I never felt such relief on a plane. I said a little prayer and relaxed for the entire flight. My heart and spirit felt like an eagle. Strong, Free and Soaring!  Going on this trip was something I had to do for the ones I loved. And God forbid something bad happened and the plane went down, I had done my best and controlled what I could and my legacy would attest to it. What I learned in that moment was that I wanted to live the rest of my life with that beautiful feeling of an eagle. It was the most empowering and liberating experience and ever since that day, I have stopped fearing everything from darkness to heights to travelling and being alone.

My advice for women is to find an opportunity to face your fears. When you get to the bottom of what is causing your fear and find a logical way to put it at bay, you can freely live your life to the fullest. Accomplishing your dreams boldly, freely and soaring like an eagle.

 

Signed by,

A Queen.

 

 

 

As a young girl in college, money was always a problem. While I did work a small part time job, my academic work load was very demanding as I loaded up on credit hours each semester in order to graduate early and not incur additional debt from school loans.  This prevented me from working a full time job while in college and made money tight. And so when I ran into an open house one day on campus where several credit card companies were offering students credit cards without requiring anything other than a social security number, I jumped right in!

My problem had been solved. I could finally breathe a little, buy the occasional name brand shoe or bag, and other items everyone else seemed to have. I also used the credit cards for my text books and to dine out with friends so I didn’t feel too bad. But I didn’t see the red flag coming, and this short lived “enjoyment” would come back to bite me having long lasting negative impacts on my future.

See while I was in school, I couldn’t afford to make the payments on my credit cards with my part time job and so my credit was destroyed. In other words, after graduating I got turned down from leasing apartments, couldn’t qualify for car loans, couldn’t travel with my friends. Basically I was stranded financially for several years.  I had to live in not so desirable neighborhoods and my quality of life was just scary.

By the 3^rd year after graduating I had gotten a slightly better job and was determined to turn my financial future around. It started with my desire to buy a home. So I worked on a 2 year plan during which I lived a very low key lifestyle, paid off all my credit cards, and saved money for a down payment.  It was a very tough period for me but I remained focused on my goal and the result was success! My credit turned around and I purchased my first home. The nightmare was over and I was finally living the life I went to college for.

My advice for women especially young women in college is no matter what you do, avoid signing up for credit cards, car loans, or any debt if you are not working full time or have the means to pay for them. While they may seem a nice fix in the moment, they can destroy you financially. And although you can turn things around eventually like I did, it is not worth the temporary fulfilment you get from them.

Signed by,

A Queen

In the real world, most moms of a one and three year old probably have some extra pounds on them.  But my case was pretty drastic. I had gone from 136 lbs with my older child to 220 by the time I had my second. A year after the birth of my second child, I found myself weighing in a whopping 195 lbs. And while I still carried on with life as normal, deep down I wasn’t happy with the shell that I was living in. I knew something had to change but never could quite muster up the determination to see through any diet or exercise plan.

However, all that changed one Sunday morning. The night before, my husband and I had gone to a friend’s party and I recall feeling very inadequate seeing many of the other women looking slim and fit. Although my husband always tried to make me feel beautiful and never complained about my body, I wasn’t satisfied with the way I looked.  So after a night of deep reflection, I woke up that Sunday morning and prayed to God to help me find the right diet and exercise plan that worked for me and give me the spirit of winning this battle of weight loss.  After that prayer, I put on my sneakers and ran a half mile outside my home. All the while envisioning the new me.

And that was the beginning of the new me. I decided to try a carbohydrate free diet and include a workout regimen that consisted of 35 minutes of cardio activity 5 days a week, pushups and sit-ups.

For my meals, I would eat 5 meals a day which included 3 main meals and 2 snacks.  Examples of what I’d eat for breakfast were vegetable egg omelets, cheese, turkey sausage, peanut butter, nuts, etc. and coffee with skim milk and artificial sweeteners. For lunch, I would have a salad every day with a protein or vegetables and protein. And for dinner, it would be the same thing as lunch except I would just switch up the protein and vegetables. Every now and then when I had a sweet craving, I would have a citrus fruit or berry or drink sugar free coffee or drinks,

What helped me stay on track when I wanted to quit was constantly remembering the feeling I had that night in the party and visions of how I looked in college.  Also, I weighed myself every week to track progress and that also motivated me each time the scale dropped.

Nine months after I started this diet and exercise plan, I’d lost a total of 51 pounds and was at my freshman year college weight.  I had successfully achieved my weight goal and couldn’t be happier.  It showed in the way I dressed, how I interacted with my children and social settings. I became a new person and I loved her. Also everyone started treating me nicer from complete strangers to co-workers, family and friends. At work, I started getting offered more visible roles and it made a difference in my salary.

My advice for women especially moms who are trying to lose weight is – Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your body has been through changes and as we get older the change continues. To lose weight successfully, you need to be 100% ready in mind, body and spirit. I believe any diet can work but you have to get to that rock bottom place where you feel desperate and have no other option but to drop the weight. Once you get to that place reach for something deeper to sustain you on the mission. For me it was soul searching and reaching for a higher power – God for help.  Set a weight goal and reflect daily on your mission to keep it front and center.  As humans we sometimes fall off the train but stick with it, be consistent and slowly but surely, you will get there.

Signed by,

A Queen