I remember it was a beautiful May day and I was a foreign college student in the United States when I was invited to a graduation party of a Nigerian student by a friend and that was where my life would forever be changed.
At the party I was asked to dance by a handsome young man I hadn’t met before. Later that evening, we would discover that we both were from different parts of Nigeria (I from the mid-Western part and he from the Southwest). We didn’t think much of it and carried on. A few days later we went on a date and really enjoyed each other’s company. Little did I know that this friendship would lead to something serious but pretty soon my mystery man began to express interest in a more serious relationship aka marriage.
It was then that it dawned on me that I was getting involved in a relationship with someone with whom I had significant differences- tribe, language, cultural beliefs, and more.
I dreadfully spoke to my father about my new found love but he was very furious and opposed the relationship. He was very traditional and quickly pointed out the historical reasons why the marriage wasn’t a good idea. My boyfriend was from the Yoruba tribe and I from the Igbo tribe, these two tribes had historically been at odds with each other stemming from the Nigerian civil war and the rivalry continued through the generations. Other members of both our families were also not in support of our marriage citing reasons such as stereotypes about how each tribe viewed the other and more. In other words, our support system was non-existent compromising basically of my mother whom though she was skeptical trusted my decision.
We decided to ignore our families and move forward with our marriage as none of the reasons they gave made sense to us. And so within a year, we were married.
But soon the honeymoon was over and reality hit. After my husband and I moved back to Nigeria, I began to encounter challenges of our different backgrounds. Example, interacting with my in-laws was a challenge due to the language barrier which I didn’t understand and would often when in their midst feel uncomfortable as they would speak in their language ignoring the fact that I didn’t understand what they were saying and many times I thought I was the subject of their conversation.
Other challenges I faced would come up when my husband and I would make references to each other’s cultures in ways that exalted one over the other which was many times hurtful as it painted the other person’s culture in a less positive light and caused temporary tension.
However, we never waned in our devotion to each other because we were committed to making our family work. Our love for each other meant we had each other’s back.
The truth is while love is important, marriage is very strategic and the specific steps I took to make our differences a non-issue in our marriage were.
- I practiced my Christian beliefs on how the bible describes marriage and the roles of each partner. And so I was submissive to my husband and didn’t let my pride take over. I let him make the big decisions for our family although I had influence as well.
- I was financially independent. This was important to me as we already had the tensions of coming from different backgrounds so I didn’t want to create additional stress by being financially dependent on my husband.
- I was very accommodating and welcoming of his family and treated them like they were mine I welcomed them to our home always as I knew that made him happy and grew my relationship with his family. It also sped up my knowledge of the language breaking down that barrier.
These steps all proved successful as today, after over 43 years together, we thank God Almighty for generously blessing us with children, grandchildren and a happy home.
My advice for queens exploring marriage with someone from a different background whether it be religion, race, or culture is
- Make sure you both truly love each other and understand the seriousness of marriage and are dedicated to never giving up on your love for each other no matter what comes your way.
- Different backgrounds can present different challenges but you can’t look at it as a challenge because it won’t last forever.
- Overall, the secret to a successful marriage is the same regardless of whether or not you are from different cultures. That secret is “dedication to the cause”. You must both be determined to make it work and together stand against all the mountains you face as a team. Once you have that secret code cracked, you can marry anyone from any background and your differences will be a non-issue in the grand scheme of your love for each other.
Signed by,
A Queen.