What is a frenemy? According to Merriam-Webster, “A frenemy is a person who is or pretends to be a friend but who is also in some ways an enemy or rival.” And so begins the story of our featured queen this month.
As a young girl, I have always surrounded myself with female friends mostly because I was raised to avoid befriending boys so as not to be seen as promiscuous. And so I’ve always naturally gravitated towards my female comrades with whom I’d share secrets, travel the world, and we’d emotionally support one another. As life pulled me into new phases, I continued to align myself with women in both my professional and personal circles. However, little did I know that there’d come a time where my life-long rule of thumb which had served me pretty well up to this point would be seriously challenged.
In my mid-twenties, I had formed a friendship with what I didn’t know at that time was a “frenemy”. She was several years older than I but we were at similar stages in life. We were both wives, mothers and striving to get our careers together. On the surface, our relationship seemed to be in a great space. We’d dine together, party together, have play dates, and more. However, there was always an underlying tension I couldn’t quite place my finger on. It just seemed like at every opportunity, my frenemy would decide to give me the silent treatment, start an argument and there were a few screaming matches one while I was pregnant.
The crazy thing is it was always over the silliest thing, she’d complain I didn’t return a phone call or come to an event of hers, or I did not tell her about something I was doing, etc. It didn’t matter that I was always polite and respectful if I couldn’t honor her invitation or had a good reason if I didn’t return a call. She just always had a gripe with me. And when we would make up, our conversations were mostly about her and what she was going through. This roller coaster friendship went on for many years and I was always trying hard to please her and though she was at times nice and pleasant to be around, the silent treatment cycle or arguments would resume the moment I did the slightest thing she didn’t like.
After years of dealing with this love/hate relationship which had taken a toll on my peace of mind, I decided I had to take action. We’d tried many times to talk things through and understand what each other needed in the friendship to no avail and so this time I had to do something drastic.
First, I stopped inviting her into key aspects of my personal life from events to daily phone calls. Next, I started declining her invitations to intimate, inner circle occasions without giving excuses. Simultaneously, I began spending more alone time and re-focusing on who I was as and what I wanted in life. I also started forming new, healthier relationships that were with like-minded people. Gradually my frenemy got the message and reciprocated the new dynamic of our relationship.
Finally the weight of that stressful relationship was lifted off me and my life felt renewed. I began having success in my career, I was happier in my family and social life. Because my mind was at peace, I began attracting positive energy and people who added value to my life. Today, I on occasion interact with my frenemy as we still have mutual friends. However, there is a mutual respect for our boundaries and I relate with her on my own terms without the stress it brought for far too long.
My advice for queens who may be dealing with a frenemy is simple. Trust your instincts and your spirit. If you are in a relationship that is draining you and your gut tells you this person may see you as a competitor and not a true friend, “pump the breaks”. Take control of the relationship by taking bold actions that send a message to the person that you will no longer be their emotional punching bag. Either cut him/her off entirely or dial it back significantly. Don’t waste precious time nurturing a relationship that is robbing your peace as it can be holding you back from truly living and attracting all the greatness life has in store for you.
Signed,
A Queen